2019 Spazmovement Wixsite Com

Leo Migdal

-Nov 18, 2025, 5:37 AM

2019…. It is here. What does that mean differently for me? What am I going to do differently so that the crap shoot 2018 gave me, doesn’t rear it’s head again? I think one of the things that are hard about life are all the uncertainties. You live your everyday life trying to make the best decisions for you and your family, but sometimes even the best choices backwash shit water into your life.

2018 was a rough year, after 2017 I thought for sure 2018 had to be better….pfft… but what does complaining about a crappy two years get me? Nothing. By saying I had two crappy years, I skip over all the good stuff, all the fun stuff, and all the things that brought me so much joy when I am in a bad... Here is my 2018 sum up of HAPPY things that I hope to recreate in 2019: -Being a part of Team Rev 3 - they saved my life this year. Literally.

-Care taking for my beautiful Grandfather when he needed me As my life takes a complete turn, I have more time to focus on my quest to help break the stigma of mental health, help to prevent suicide, and to be a mama that... SPAZ (Suicide Prevention and Awareness Zone) was created to help bring to light mental health through exercise and "moving to live". SPAZ now has two different sides, the exercise side where we will continue to make sure mental health and suicide is proudly brought to light in all communities, but also through blogging, volunteering, and... There is hope! This is a part of my life I thought I would NEVER see, and now I get to live my dream of spreading hope and awareness around mental health and suicide.

The SPAZ Movement and Team has been created to stop the stigma of suicide and to get others talking about prevention! SPAZ = Suicide Prevention and Awareness Zone I (and my Co-Founder Valerie) have a huge passion for spreading the awareness and prevention of suicide as we have been touched and rocked in many ways by it emotional grasp. The SPAZ Movement is a team we have created to use our physical activity and events to raise awareness for suicide prevention and awareness. We will not sweep this dirty word under the rug any longer. There are 5 things we can do every day to help prevent suicide...

Team SPAZ’s first official race season begins January 5th and training for the biggest race of the season began TODAY! This year is going to be about experiences, trying new things, breaking new barriers, and being overall stronger, happier, and present in my everyday life and training/racing. The year is beginning to wind down and the anticipation and preparation for next year’s endeavors are starting to ramp up, but this training year I hope is different. I hope I find more joy in the journey, I find ways to be more present, disciplined, and thankful for the training days. I hope the racing with a true purpose makes this season even more meaningful and inspiring to those around me that need a little pick me up, but most of all, I hope it... This holiday season has been particularly hard on me.

I have found a lot of resistance in wanting to participate and be present in anything. Even being with my family was really hard, not because I didn't want to be around them, but it was almost an overload of too much. I feel as if though so much has been going on the past 3-4 months has just completely flown by me at the speed of light. Now that it has gone, I’m sad I took those months for granted, but I am happy it has taught me to pay more attention to all the days ahead. The holidays have also brought a very jumbled mind full of feelings that are very hard to understand and too hard to put into words. The past few days with my family I spent a lot of time consciously paying attention and enjoying their presence.

The empty chairs at the table speak louder than any of us ever have and regrets or do-overs are too often asked for. As the plans begin to piece together and the holidays wind down and life becomes “normal” again, I hope that my brain will slow down and put itself back together. The emotional toll lately has been nearly unbearable. Things I normally have control of, the only things I feel I have control of, have been completely out of my control for the past 3 weeks which would normally elevate the stress levels... Between loss of control and uncertainty, my brain feels like it’s very own jail that I cannot escape. Every single move I make is over analyzed, every single thought I take has 4-5 resolutions or options, and decisions seems to loom over me like an ugly storm cloud.

So in all that, I apologize for missing my weekly post last week. I wrote the beginning of three different posts and deleted them. They weren’t topics I could coherently speak about and even this post is a jumbled mess, but I was not missing another post. I hope that this weekend I get to post about the exciting endeavors and goals for 2019, but I also hope that the Brain Demon takes a vacation and gets off my back once... FEAR….. Fear can affect your decisions, your views, and/or reason you do or do not do certain things.

Fear can stop you from doing things you love or taking risks you know are worth it, or even going after than person that makes your world a better place. Fear can cause you to hide in a corner because the world is too much too handle with too many scary opportunities, decisions, and situations. Fear can hinder your world and life in so many ways if you let it, but on the contrary, if you decide to grab that fear by the horns, you can take on the... Stomping out fear can change your life and the lives of those around you that the fear is also hindering. Are you brave enough? Could you grab at least one of your fears and decide to take it head on?

Here are some of the fears I am currently working through to take on that better and most rewarding life and holistic health! I have fought taking medication for my anxiety for almost 10 years. When I started having panic attacks around 15 years old, medication was definitely a topic of discussion, but I was 100% against it. As I started to also see the depression creep in and the anxiety intensify, there have been many talks with me about medication. Those who love me have all but begged me to consider it and I have always said no. I was strong enough to fight this alone, I didn’t need medication.

Medication equaled weakness in my mind, and weakness is not acceptable. Last Tuesday took me to a new low… the lowest of low. I have had thoughts about suicide, but nothing like this. Nothing as intense as, “I need to die because this is too painful to handle.” “I need to take this burden off of those around me because I am not even able to function,... I am a burden, I and everyone else, would be better off if I was dead.” Nothing as intense as planning your death and being so close to a funeral you could hear the... Tuesday I knew I was officially out of control.

I have tried everything in my control to handle what is going on in my brain, and with all of the proper things- working on my faith, eating healthy, daily exercise, journaling, reading, relaxing,... Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that we cannot control. It doesn’t matter how good life is and how well you are, or how hard you try. Depression is not a controllable disease, it does what it wants and you are the hostage. That fear of being a prisoner in my own body has led me to a decision I didn’t think I would ever consider. I cannot be holistically well if my brain is not on board and is not healthy, and we are far from healthy right now.

So… we conquer the fear of talking about medical options…. We talk about temporary medications to help get the Brain Demon under control. I don’t want to be on medication forever, and I know for some it is a lifesaver, and it may be for me, but I just don’t like taking non-supplemental/herbal medications and would rather... This time I can’t seem to climb out of the hole at all, and that my friends is staring fear right in the face! Starting Over. Creating a New Life.

Making A New,Improved Me. I want to preface this post by saying I am safe. I have taken precautions to make sure that I am doing all I can to keep myself alive and not alone, but I do think that the past few weeks events need to be... I know that there are others with this disease that may need to know there is someone out there that feels the same way. In this time of scary uncertainty, I have found strength and power in knowledge, so I want to also share my experience if someone else needs to see it. I went on an SSRI almost six weeks ago.

If you have read my previous posts, I am not a proponent of medication, but sometimes I think modern medicine has its place and when it is saving a life, that is one of... I agreed to take medication, and when the possibility of bipolar disorder also came into the picture, I knew it would probably be medicine forever. What I failed to understand was the magnitude of the side effects if the medication does not work for your body. I did not understand the turmoil and pain that could arise from trying to get help. **I am NOT discouraging ANYONE from getting help!!! But I do want you to know what you are up against so you have a shot in hell at not being where I am.**

I was warned that there would be side effects that I was afraid of. There would be weight gain, there would be a spout of dullness and lack of motivation (I also did A LOT of online research about the medications I was prescribed) and there could be... What I failed to understand was the earth shattering side effects that could come on in a split second that made me fight for my life… literally. Thursday morning, I was done. I was exhausted beyond belief. I was tired of fighting, and I wasn’t afraid of telling my circle that.

What started last Friday as just a “regular” bad day, slowly snowballed into suicidal ideation, that escalated into planning. By Thursday afternoon, I was just praying for the energy to fight another hour, minute, or second. I was told I shouldn’t be alone, and even had thoughts of whether this was that circumstance in which I should check myself into some kind of facility. In this crisis, I was given some understanding of what causes people to commit suicide, how the mental health field really works, and how tired someone has to be to know theit circle loves... I went to the doctor on 8/20 after experiencing an extreme bout of depression that had led to suicidal ideation. It scared me beyond words that I was moving so far in that direction that I wanted to get help for myself.

2019 Spazmovement Wixsite Com

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